To be completely honest, this week has been a rough week for me. It started last week with a parasite which caused me to be nauseous constantly and took every bit of energy I had out of me.This past work week was a long one as I struggled to make it through each day without any energy or being able to eat any food. I still continued to be hopeful, or at least I tried my best. Everyday when I walked into class, my attitude changed when I saw my student’s faces. I was reminded how much I love my job and my students.
But by the end of this week, I felt beaten down. The parasite was gone, but I still felt like the Devil was working hard on me. I kept getting down and thinking ‘Am I supposed to be here?’, ‘Life doesn’t feel right here.’, ‘I miss America and my family.’, ‘Why did we leave our awesome, easy life in Spain?’
By Saturday, I was completely over my sickness, but I still felt a bit off. I continued to push through and live life here like normal. I knew in the back of my mind, that I had no reason for the way I was feeling, but the thoughts kept creeping back into my mind. That night, Cody and I went out to dinner and we had a few small things happen on the moto. Nothing big, nothing bad, but I just thought, this is it. I can’t deal with another minute in this traffic, with dirt blowing in my face and eyes, horns filling my ears, pot holes breaking my back, and diesels speeding past me.
That’s it. Cambodia isn’t for me. I can’t do this.
These are the thoughts I woke up with this morning as my alarm went off for church and my head was pounding. I just can’t.
I knew that missing church wasn’t going to be helpful, so I got up, took some medicine, and read my Bible before heading to church. I opened my Bible so discouraged and not even sure why. ‘I love Cambodia and its people. I love my job. What is wrong with me?’
When I opened my Bible, the first things I saw was Psalm 91. I read it and cried. I thought about this entire week and the challenges I had been facing, and here God was telling me, I am your refuge.
What was I doing being so down and upset about life? God is my refuge. I just felt this huge relief. I realized the Devil is going to attack. He doesn’t want me here. He doesn’t want me to feel encouraged, joyful, healthy. He is the parasite inside of us, making us tired and sick. But it doesn’t matter what he wants because when he is attacking, God is my refuge and strength. He takes me under his wings and it’s there that I can find comfort.
After I read this, I headed to church and God continued speaking to me. We started singing worship and all I could see were Khmer people jumping, dancing, and shouting to Jesus*. I felt so encouraged. I, one of the only white people in this church, had nothing on these Khmer people. They knew how to praise Jesus. They knew he was their refuge. As they sang in Khmer and I tried to sing along in English, I kept seeing birds in my mind. I kept imagining, their wings gently flapping in the air. I saw my Savior protecting me, and I was reminded of my purpose. The Devil will attack. God will win.
*Worship in a Khmer church is like youth group in the 90s. Everyone is jumping and dancing and the singing songs I grew up singing. It’s amazing.
